Step 1: Get only one unpopular, outdated social media account, and disregard the rest of them. Instagram, YouTube, Twitter? Forget those. You want Myspace. And Xanga.
Step 2: Design your username around something vague and unprofessional, not at all memorable or catchy. And definitely include numbers. Like “hunnybunny12” or “soccerstud478,” or anything else that would’ve sold big on AIM.
Step 3: Post on said platform vigorously for two days after signing up; share everything from your breakfast toast to your pedicure to the 12 bluejays on your birdfeeder: anything that isn’t remotely related to your profession.
Step 4: Go completely silent, and stop posting for the two weeks following your marathon.
Step 5: Get a gig! Forget to post about it.
Step 6: Decide on a random Sunday two months after creating your account to rebrand yourself, and then stop halfway because you get caught up watching cat videos, leaving your Myspace only partially completed (the part that says nothing about what you do, but rather focuses on your favorite mini cupcake flavor).
Step 7: Finally, finally, remember to snap pictures during your event to post later. Get home, and realize your camera was front facing the whole time and all you ended up with was a collection of double chins.
Step 8: When clients express interest in hiring you, scramble furiously to put together some sort of EPK in lieu of sharing your social media account that could’ve served its purpose if only you had remembered to use it. Mumble unintelligibly when they ask you what your Instagram profile is.
Step 9: Live this way for five years while wondering why you’ve never received a review besides those from your mom. Who wrote hers on Facebook, by the way.
Step 10: Realize your mom has more social media clout than you. Hang your head in shame.
Don’t let your mom win Facebook. Jump on the social media train already. Your wallet will thank you. And your mom will be proud.